Recipes For Retards

So yesterday, after a long absence, the Brainless Gourmet made a comeback performance here at hell house. After a false start last weekend, he came back and proved he's still got it.

Last weeks' slab of meat went in the trash and Veggie went out on another grocery binge. F*ck all the lawsuits, it's cooking time. He got another slab of meat with all the fixins to fill the pot, then it was space-out time while the pot boiled away for hours. The meat is done when all the liquid has boiled off and just a tar-like substance remains at the bottom. He picked a few bites out of the pot then left it all on the stove for the flies and mold. I'll throw it away later this week. I'll post a pic of the leftovers if I get around to it. I left all the windows open yesterday so the smell isn't too bad.

Dinner is served, plenty left for all. This is 24 hours later. The pot was originally filled to the rim with canned tomatos and broth. When you cook it at a rapid boil for 5 hours, it ends up as paste. That's how you cook meat in space. The meat won't be going anywhere until I throw it out.


This was Veggies' last cooking fiasco. The pan's been sitting there for months, don't remember what was burned in it. I do remember throwing out the mound of mold covered food in it though. Might be able to clean it with one of those Dremel tool things.

Cooking With The Mentally Ill

Bob's mental illness is in full swing. Sunday night the space cadet stayed up all night drinking until dawn. He didn't go to work on Monday, he slept all day until 6pm, then went out for more beer.

Today the space cadet started boiling a pork roast at 6pm, it's now past 11pm and it's still boiling away. It's like a 2 pound piece of meat. It was cooked through about 4 hours ago. When the water boils off, he just adds more and keeps boiling. The whole house is steamed up and everything stinks like meat. I'll have to re-wash all my clothes tomorrow.

The Drunken Gourmet

One of my faults is always speaking too soon. Blogger still doesn't work for me. There seems to be only a few brief moments each day when the site works. I can't view any blogs on here except through my ISP browser and even then I can't view or leave comments. I guess you get what you pay for....nothing.

Bob is very hard at work slammin beers and peeing at 15 minute intervals right now. Bob is obsessed with sitting and staring at his computer. This is his only activity outside of work. If food and beer were delivered to his chair each day, I believe he would remain sitting in the chair 24/7, the rest of his life until the coroner took him away.

Bob can't do his 5 hour oven bakes anymore because the oven is broken. It heats up to temperature, then shuts off, doesn't come back on. It's probably just the sensor inside is caked with grease as the oven has never been cleaned. Bob is too lazy and stupid to figure it out.

The space cadet spoke to me yesterday for the first time in several months. Around midnight he asked me where the can opener was. Two weeks ago, I packed away everything I owned that was in the kitchen. I don't think Bob has noticed this yet. I owned the can opener. I told Bob I haven't seen it lately, no response.. end of conversation.

When I moved in here I had a new set of pretty nice stainless untensils, they've all mostly disappeared now. They're probably buried in Bob's rat-hole room, I won't be looking for them. He ruined half of my cookware from burning stuff in it. Anything that was glass is now full of chips and permanently stained.

Lifestyles of The Mentally ILL

Bob's only activity outside of his room is cooking. He has his own unique way of cooking, I call it caveman style. He's never been able to grasp the concept of HI-MED-LOW on the stove dials. With him it's HI-OFF only. He likes to pan fry stuff. He frys hamburgers in oil on high heat. The hamburger when he's done is completely charred and the grease is splattered over everything within a 10ft. radius of the stove. And of course he never cleans it up. He sometimes spends hours cooking enormous amounts of food. When he's done it's all left on the counter until I throw it away a few days later.

His main food is pork chops. It takes him 4 hours to cook 1 pork chop. He turns the oven on 2 or 3 hours before he plans to use it. He cooks 1 pork chop at 400 for at least 2 hours. It is completely dried out and black. Sometimes he spaces out or falls asleep while cooking stuff. He always leaves a trail of spilled food from the kitchen, upstairs to his room.

Today I came home to an entire jar of pickled peppers spilled on the floor, I cleaned it up as Bob was too busy sitting on his ass. Last night the landlord came by again for Bob's past rent. Bob said he was starting a new job today and would have the money next week. "That's great news Bob, congratulations!" she said.

Bob spent today sitting on his ass, no job. He has another big evening planned tonight......Drinking beer, urinating and sitting on his ass.